alis volat propris; she flies with her own wings

Our Final Itinerary

2011-04-23T02:48:00.003-04:00

Asia 2011

May 3 -May 13 - Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam

May 13 -May 15 - Phnom Penh, Cambodia

May 15 - May 17 - Siem Reap, Cambodia

May 17 - May 21 - Bangkok, Thailand

May 21 - May 25 - Phuket, Thailand

May 25 - May 28 -Bali, Indonesia

May 28 - May 30 - Singapore, Singapore

May 30 - June 5 - Hong Kong, Hong Kong

June 5 - June 7 - Hanoi, Vietnam

June 7 - June 13 - Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam

A little over a week away :)

2011-04-17T22:09:00.001-04:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated my blog. So the 2 week countdown to Asia has finally kicked in. I'm quite amazed at how FAST April is going by. Perhaps what they say is right - stay busy to stay sane. So I finished off my school year at York early April and I have to say it's been my best term to date! I've been killing all the exams & papers. So perhaps after all this time, I'm finally getting the hang of school. I'm not complaining! It has kicked in at the perfect time since graduate school is around the corner!

I'm quite excited about my trip with Thomas. Honestly, I can't pick a more perfect person to be a travelling buddy with. We approach situations at very different perspectives and I really think it's a great thing to have. So, finalizing our trip is coming along and it's actually quite draining. There's just so many things to go over - places to go, transportation schedules, where to stay. Just thinking about all these things are quite overwhelming. The worst thing is, knowing me I would probably change everything the last min.

So on to other updates, I turned the big 2-4 a couple of weeks ago and I had the best time celebrating it. I'm just in a very good place right now. Can't complain!

2011-03-12T02:57:00.001-05:00

you've lost me

March Blues

2011-03-09T22:25:00.002-05:00

I always disliked the unpredictability of March weather. At times, there will be moments of sunshine that gives you false hope that spring is around the corner but then there are days like today that completely makes me miserable. I'm seemly trying to stay sane by counting the days 'til I can lie on the incredible beaches of Thailand and being able to be carefree for once! March is an extremely busy month for me. With the combination of assignments due dates approaching and the frenzy that sweeps St. Alban's during March break, I can find hardly anytime to breathe. However, I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Today I realized how happy I am that I'm still in school, school in fact is my safety zone and I'm glad that I'm taking my time with it.

At the end of the day, I just feelextremely blessed. :)

restless

2011-02-28T01:52:00.002-05:00

I swear this probably happens way too many times a year but I'm getting this very uneasy, restless feeling again. This energy is going to DESTROY me.

Asia 2011

2011-02-21T02:04:00.004-05:00

So, the last couple of days I've been so restless so I semi planned our trip.

Here are the places we are hitting up:

Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam

Phnom Penh, Cambodia

Siem Reap, Cambodia

Bangkok, Thailand

Koh Samui, Thailand

Phuket, Thailand

Hong Kong, Hong Kong

Guangzhou, China

Nanning, China

Hanoi, Vietnam

Nha Trang, Vietnam

Dalat, Vietnam

Mui Ne, Vietnam

....Sadly, I had to take Bali, Indonesia off the list..

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*edit:

New locations are added our list!

- Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

- Singapore

Long Overdue!

2011-02-19T01:57:00.003-05:00

It's been forever since I've written. My bad! Just been extra busy, running around like a headless chicken as always.

Newest Update!

Backpacking around Southeast Asia for 6 weeks with Thomas.

Tickets were booked today, I leave May 2nd :)

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED

2011-01-16T22:32:00.002-05:00

Funny how so many things could change in one year.

Ringing in 2011

2011-01-01T14:31:00.003-05:00

2010 was quite the life changing year. I was able to accomplish and do so much in the span of the last 12 months that it literally surprised me while looking back. To pinpoint the highlight of this year is quite hard but I can honestly say without hesitation that this year, I've met some of the most wonderful, loving and inspirational people ever. Regardless of all the mistakes and obstacles I had to endure this year, I think this year flew by so smoothly. I was able to cross off so many things from my bucket list - skydiving, road-tripping to the east coast, etc. I'm so thankful for all the events that occurred this year especially for all the positive and loving people I've surrounded myself with. I could say that they have made my year remarkable but I think I'm going to credit myself for once. It was my decisions and my choices that resulted into the best year ever.

I can't wait for all the things I have planned for 2011 but I'm even more eager to find out what life has in store for me this upcoming year. So, to 2011 - I'm ready for you!

2010-12-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

Received the best christmas gift ever... a trip to NYC with my favourite :)

I'm so excited!

2010-12-05T03:06:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I've felt this Christmas spirit! I'm so excited this year but honestly, I don't need to ask for anything because I have everything I ever wanted right here, right now. :)

2010-11-21T01:05:00.003-05:00

A lot of things has happened over the last couple of days but I know that I am happy that it all happened the way it did. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am ready to move on from it. I have the best support system ever.

Crystal Ball, Tell me the truth

2010-11-10T02:27:00.005-05:00

It seems like everyone is going through a transition right now. Everyone around me is starting up their careers, settling down with their significant others and really sitting down to plan their future. I'm not going to lie but that has been my mentality for the past couple of years. I've always been in a rush to settle down so I can really start my life but recently, I've realize that perhaps all the things I wanted/needed before isn't what I really wanted & needed now. To be honest, I really don't know where I stand but for some odd reason it feels like I'm in limbo.

What do I really want to do with my life?

How do I want to spend it?

When do I really want to settle?

I know it's still a while away but in 4 months, I'll be turning 24. Back in middle school, I thought that when I turn 24, I would have a career and be happily married with the love of my life. I guess that's not how that really turned out but I think I'm okay with that. I just realized a couple of things along the way and grew into a difference person. I was talking to one of my close friends today and she said "Sometimes, in marriage people just grow into different people and they just stop loving the person that committed their lives to." Is that statement really true? If we are constantly changing everyday, is it possible that one day when you look in the mirror you can't even tell who is looking back at you? I guess, I'm nervous about change, about who I'm going to transform into 5, 10, 20 years from now. Will I be able to say I'm proud of who I've become and the route I've taken?

I guess life is the biggest obstacle of all, with all the uncertainties, how are we suppose to know that the decisions we make now won't dramatically affect who we will become tomorrow? Don't be mistaken, I'm really happy with who I am now and the choices I've made thus far but once in a while I wonder, am I selling myself short? Is this all the potential I have? Am I not being ambitious enough?

For a while, I've been struggling with these thoughts but one seems to return time and time again - when will my love be returned? As foolish as it sounds, that's human nature. We don't worry about the big picture because we are so fixated on our personal issues. As selfish as that seems, that's all we tend to worry about. Who will love me? Will I die alone? When will I find the love of my life? Who can love me? These questions may be selfish but they are the demons that everyone, regardless of race, religion or socioeconomic backgrounds, face everyday, year round. The one question that has been and will be universal until the end of time - Am I going to be alone?

2010-11-07T00:28:00.002-04:00

I'm in a good place.

A really good place.

I'm so blessed.

Hello November

2010-11-01T02:34:00.003-04:00

I realized something today that I never really noticed before. I have this strength in me, a strength regardless of my circumstances or situation that still shines through every time. It's my ability to love people with this raw intensity. Some people may call me naive or even stupid but I think that everyone deserves a chance to show their good side. I have faith in humanity. Even with all the tragedies the world is experiencing today, I really believe that we can all come together for the better.

I must admit, it takes a lot to love me as a friend, family member or girlfriend

But, I can promise one thing - it's worth it.

Cause, no matter how many times you screw up, I'll be there ready to move mountains for you.

2010-10-30T23:54:00.001-04:00

Today, something broke inside of me.

I'm no longer a believer.

Linda, is that you?

2010-10-27T23:37:00.002-04:00

I was bbm-ing one of my girlfriends the other day and randomly this new form of me appeared out of nowhere. I was so positive that I actually shocked myself. I am not saying I'm always a pessimistic person but I am not the most optimistic either. I guess, underneath all my dark, twisty ways there's actually a happy person. Regardless, I am just glad to be a pillar of support rather then the one that's always leaning. I just need to hold on to this new found attitude instead of mentally punishing myself for being unworthy of happiness.

At the end of the day, you always return home

2010-10-25T01:07:00.003-04:00

So, I should write more frequent but it's pretty hard to find time away from my busy schedule. The last week has been pretty busy but amazing. My sister celebrated her sweet 16th birthday. I amazes me how fast my siblings are growing, I still remember when they were still in diapers. Time seems to fly by so fast that sometimes I wish I could freeze time.

Whether or not, we have good days or bad things, I know that at the end of the day I always return home because that's where I belong.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-10-12T02:35:00.003-04:00

Seems like I'm a bit late to hop on the thanksgiving bandwagon but to be honest, my family and I don't really celebrate this holiday. Regardless of the lack of celebration, I really think this holiday is such an important day to sit back and reflect on everything that one has to be thankful for. This year, I have so much to be thankful for that I won't be able to sit down and express it all in one sitting. I just feel like the luckiest person ever. Seriously, I must have been a saint in my past life because I'm so blessed to be living the life I'm living now. So, all my thanks goes towards all my loved ones, today I give thanks to my family, my friends, my coworkers & T.

Family has always been such an important aspect of my life and over the past year we have gone through some major changes. Moving changed a lot when it came to the dynamics of our family; we all hate change. I was pretty surprised how smooth the transition was, from a huge 3 story house to a 3 bedroom apartment, we still managed to gel so well together. The past year has taught me a lot of things, especially the value of my siblings. We may have a huge age gap separating us but it really didn't matter in the large scheme of things. Never would I have thought in my 23 years, my little 15 year old sister would be such a strong support pillar in my life. I guess, for all these years I've taken her for granted, mind you being the oldest I took a lot for granted. She may be 7 years younger than me but she has surpassed my expectations with her words of wisdom and comfort. We may be a lot alike but we are also so different. I lead with my heart, I'm a doubter, I'm spontaneous and irrational while she is stubborn as hell, a tad OCD and a perfectionist, however regardless of all our differences, she knows me best. As for my parents, they have finally learnt to be the silent pillar of support, the nagging has been cut to a minimal and I've very glad because they have finally realized I need to make mistakes in order to learn. I'm forever grateful to my family and now more than ever, I realized I'm nothing without them.

"Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul."

-- Thomas Moore

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Friends - the last couple of months have really tested my patience on the definition of friendship. I'm quite of a hermit when it comes to the social scene and making friends isn't the easiest thing to do for me. This year, I'm not going to deny that I've finally learn what defines true friendship. I've come to revisit a lot of my friendships this year and also met a lot of new friends along the way however regardless of the time I've spent with these people, each of them have taught me valuable lessons. While one person taught me not to trust so fast, another taught me not to hold all my burdens in, each person that has come into my life over the past year has left their footprints behind and for that I'm thankful for. I finally realized who my true friends were and surprisingly they were found in the oddest places. I do surround myself with a very tight knit group of people but when it comes to being thankful, I'm truly thankful to one individual.

This one person was the reason why I've changed so drastically over the last couple of months. I was left to rebuilt myself but most importantly, I was taught to depend on myself. I've learn to be a better friend, a better listener, a better person because of her. Never had I've been burnt so hard and still managed to be happy that it had happened. You made me a better friend.

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St Alban's - my new family. I don't have much to say but I love these people to death. Y'all have seen me at my best and worse and still loved me regardless. Never have I felt so blessed to be working with such amazing and supportive people.

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T. We were meant to fly.

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I've learn a lot of life changing lessons this year but one thing still holds true. Regardless of the months that do fly by us, I vow that I'll try everyday to be the best friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend or whatever that I could be because everyone that I've surrounded myself with, only deserves the best that I have to offer.

2010-10-10T21:05:00.000-04:00

God, what did I do in my past life to deserve all of this?

I'm so LUCKY

2010-10-10T19:07:00.003-04:00

So recently, I've been digging myself a nice little hibernation hole. Honestly, I don't mind it as much, it's really been a while since I've really focused on school. I think I've really turned a new leaf around this time. For the last couple of years, I've struggled so much with balancing my life but magically everything just turned around. I guess, it was time I had learn about proprieties.

Recently, I've hit a major road block, a point where I had to really sit down and figure out things on my own. For once, I've stop putting others ahead of me, instead I had to do what was true and right for myself. I'm really glad that I managed to figure everything out on my own terms. I'm just so glad that my support system is stronger than ever. I've finally walked away from all the negativity in my life and learn to trust those I've kept close beside me. I'm so happy that it feels like I've reached a destination, a defining moment in my life. All I got to do now is run with it.

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On another news, the last couple of weeks have been great! Catching up with friends, sitting around A.Y Jackson pretending it's my old high school, beer station missions & quality time with the boyfriend has been so therapeutic. 2010 is coming to an end soon, I'm just looking forward to all the adventures I'll have to cap off this amazing year!

2010-09-30T20:07:00.002-04:00

With no expectations, you will never get disappointed.

I thought I had learn this lesson before, I guess not.

2010-09-25T18:14:00.002-04:00

Overworked.

Not Appreciated.

My patience is non-existent.

Priorities

2010-09-20T00:08:00.004-04:00

Days seem to just fly by now. It's already the ending of September and in no time it will be time to ring in the new year. So far, this has been a life-changing year but I know in the next couple of months, there is still a lot to learn about myself and my abilities. Today, I realized I have been getting quite sloppy with myself. The busier I get, the more I forget to put myself first. I had a talk with one of my ex's today and he told me to never forget to put myself first. To be honest, I've been so busy lately I forget to even feed myself. So, I need to set my priorities straight once again.

At the end of the day, in order to be happy, I need to put myself first.

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At this point, all I can do is trust.

Trust in the path placed in front of me,

trust that things will play out the way I want it to be,

trust that all my work won't go unnoticed,

But, more importantly, trust is those around me.

checking off the list

2010-09-12T22:59:00.002-04:00

enrolled in classes - check
driving classes - check
work schedule - check
workout schedule - check

September has been such a busy month so far and I know this is just the beginning of it! No matter how stressed I get, I love the feeling of fall approaching and the hectic schedules I need to balance. There's only ONE thing on my mind right now and that is:

ASIA 2011 - finally backpacking around Asia

2010-09-04T19:56:00.001-04:00

So I realized one thing the last couple of days. There's things about me that will never change. Regardless of how much I hate these qualities about myself, they make me who I am. Lately, I have had it quite rough. There's just days I don't even know what to do with myself. There's days that my actions and thought process even surprise my own self.

Hello August

2010-08-14T14:14:00.002-04:00

So, where has summer gone? I can't believe it's mid August already. I'm sorry I haven't written often but I just have been so busy. This summer has been so jammed packed with good company and life changing events. I can't picture a more perfect summer! Here's a quick run through of what I've been up to the last 2 weeks.

- Work, Work & more Work. Honestly, I can't ask more better coworkers! Thursday Beer & Wings night is now a tradition I can't live without!

- Got my cartilage pierced with Andy a couple of weeks ago. It was probably the most spontaneous thing I've ever done

- I finally signed up for volunteer work with an amazing organization - habitat for humanity. I'm really excited to give back to our communities!

- After an insanely stressful work week, Thomas surprised me with a bike. I love this bike to bits! I want to bike everywhere now! + My mom is making good use of my bike while I'm not using it. Today she biked to the farmer's market to bring home a watermelon.

- Detoxing has been relatively successful :) My health is getting a lot better. I realized the key thing I need to do for myself is - SLEEP! A solid 8 hours EVERYDAY is sooooo required now.

2 more weeks of summer!

Going to make the BEST of these 2 weeks.

East Coast stole my Heart

2010-07-31T11:52:00.001-04:00

After a week long cruising down the coast of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia and P.E.I, I have returned a different person. My life slowed down a lot while on this trip. I took time to breath and take in all the events that have been happening over the course of the last couple of weeks. At first, I was really nervous about this trip. To be stuck in a car for 7 days and being with T 24/7 was a bit nerve wrecking. I guess it was the ultimate test and surprising with just one little hick up on day 2, we actually worked beautifully together. I can't really pick a true highlight of this trip, I am still taking it all in but there's one thing that I am certain about and that is, being placed under difficult circumstances, I can still manage to roll with the punches. This trip was filled with the right amount of adventure, laughter, romantic and of course, amazing dining. Everyday was filled with dinners beside the oceanside, sitting beside a fire and gazing up in the stars and just knowing the comfort that no matter where we were, we had each other.

Thank you for the much, much needed week getaway

2010-07-19T23:04:00.001-04:00

beyond disappointment.

Exhaustion

2010-07-18T13:37:00.002-04:00

My body is completely failing on me right now.

I have a pounding headache + runny nose.

How will I survive the upcoming week?

Work Hard, Play Harder.

Eye on the prize. Eye on the PRIZE

Breathe.

2010-07-11T00:26:00.004-04:00

I'm going to start off this blog by stating that I have the best friends in the world. I've been so blessed to have meet so many great people in my lifetime.

The last week has been so hectic, I can't even wrap my head around how I managed to get through it. I worked 46 hours last week which isn't so bad however, going back to full time schedule really hit me hard. The worst part was for the last week, I would come home no earlier than 1am. My fault I guess.

So yesterday I went to the night market with Jo & Cy. Honestly, with the 3 hours I had of sleep and an extremely stressful day at work, I was so out of it. I wish I got myself another cup of coffee before heading up. Regardless, I had fun and I ate a lot however I did end up getting a minor anxiety attack. I guess, that place at that time really hit me pretty hard. I had such a rush of emotions and memories that completely overwhelmed me. I'm just so happy that everyone was so understanding of my situation. I hope I wasn't a party pooper!

The weird part was that Joanne & Ivy both picked up on my mood change so quickly. It's weird cause it's rare for people too. I'm just so glad they were there for me.

"Your baggage is now mine, thats what I signed up for"

vice versa

Go Get It

2010-07-08T01:26:00.003-04:00

Today I found out that there are people out there that look up to me because of my confidence and my "go-get-it" attitude. Honestly, I'm humbled behind belief knowing that for once, I'm doing something right in my life. For the last couple of months, I've really transformed. I'm now a strong believer in - if you want it bad enough, go get it!

Life is good & to all my readers - eventually with time, things just work out for the better. It's called KARMA.

2010-07-06T01:11:00.001-04:00

Together, we are unstoppable

Bird's Eye View

2010-07-04T02:30:00.004-04:00

It's weird to say this out loud and really mean it but the last couple of days really have been life changing. It's so overwhelming and hard to step out of your comfort zone that sometimes, you just get stuck in your everyday schedule. For the longest time, I've always said I was a risk taker but this Saturday completed changed the way I've perceived my own abilities and limitations. It's hard to admit this but I'm scared of a lot of things. I usually put up this "hardcore" front but I'm extremely sensitive and emotional. It's very hard to trust people regardless of the length of time I've known them. So, having a complete stranger be in charge of my life was really scary.

Skydiving was the scariest yet the most rewarding experience. I never thought in a million years I would be willing to jump out of a plane 10,000ft up in the air, let alone handing over my life to my diving instructor, Angus. Saturday was a complete emotional roller coaster for me, I went from crippling fear to excitement. Honestly, I'm so glad I did it when I did.

When I was up in the air, all the doubts, all the questions and all the confusion I had about my life just completely cleared up. I know I've changed a lot in the past couple of months. I've learn to swallow my pride, I've learn to listen and be patient but most importantly I've learn to live life day by day. I look back to my posts I wrote a year ago, 3 years ago and honestly, I don't think I've been this happy, this content. I guess it's because I've loosen my grip a bit and learn to not be so controlling of my fate. While in the sky, the whole world seems to small. It made me wonder, what is my purpose? Why am I rushing my graduation so fast when I don't feel ready? Why am I not travelling enough? Why do I worry so much about my weight? Why do I question people's intentions? Why am I censoring myself?

All those tiny worries, all those pointless imperfections I've been so fixated on just went out the window. I realized something while I was falling, I'm so lucky. As I was gliding down, T was beside me and for once I truly believe that, it doesn't matter what he says or doesn't say. I know that for once, I've (more like we) built a solid, stable foundation. I'm so happy I was able to experience this with someone that knows the real me, imperfections and all.

I've really slowed down and took a good look around.

I'm ready to make things happen now and I'm ready to do it my way.

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So, summer session starts at work tomorrow and I don't feel ready.

It's going to be a VERY VERY busy 2 months.
Let's hope I survive.

when they hit a bump, the ground splits like an earthquake

2010-06-29T23:27:00.001-04:00

It's not perfect, but it's never giving up
and sometimes we are gonna fight
cause we both like to be right
but i am finally learning to say that I'm sorry and swallow my pride

The Windy City

2010-06-28T17:36:00.004-04:00

It's been a while since I've gotten out of the city to unwind. I've been so busy lately, I realized I hardly ever take time out for myself to just sit around and breathe. So, last week T suggested that we should go to Chicago. Honestly, I couldn't have been more thrilled. One - cause I finally get a mini vacation and Two - I got the spend the whole weekend with him.

Our trip to Chicago was seriously what I needed. Although, we didn't manage to hit everything on our list, we still managed to capture the essence of Chicago. Honestly, this weekend taught me something very valuable. It doesn't matter where you travel, it doesn't matter how much money you have, as long as you have good company - ANYTHING you do could become an amazing adventure.

So let me sum up Chicago in a couple of words: McDonald's, Subway, Dunkin' Dounts, Walgreens.

The highlight of my trip? Waking up to him

shut up & drive

2010-06-23T23:53:00.003-04:00

Today was a VERY interesting day. It seems like hell is freezing over ever since I agreed to taking a driving lesson with Thomas. Come on, we experience an EARTHQUAKE for crying out loud! So here's the run down of my day.

I had lunch with Joanne on Baldwin street, honestly the food wasn't all too great but just spending a solid hour with her was what I needed. She was updating me with her whole pikachu situation and I can't be anymore pleased & excited for her. I really hope things do go well for her because she deserves NOTHING but the best.

I experienced the earthquake today. At first I wasn't really sure if it was just my clumsiness ( I was tripping over my own feet when it was happening) but wow, this is such a RARE thing to experience in Ontario. Thank goodness, there hasn't been any reports of major injuries.

After work, I headed to Thomas' aunt's house for a small BBQ.

After the bbq, I had my very first manual driving lesson.

My conclusion:

1) I HATE STALLING

2) IT IS SO HARD

3) WHY CAN'T I JUST DRIVE AUTO?!

*cries

just like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find

2010-06-21T20:37:00.001-04:00

This is what my next couple of weeks are looking like:

June 24th : Staff Social @ Laser Quest

June 25th - June 27th : Chicago

June 28th - July 2nd : Summer Training

July 3rd : Skydiving

July 4th : VAT Annual Picnic

July 5th : Summer Session Starts

July 9th : VSA Formal

July 10th : Grandma's 81st Birthday Dinner

July 16th - July 18th : Cottage @ Collingwood

July 23rd - July 28th : East Coast Road Trip

July 30th - Thomas' 23rd Birthday

*breathe

Peace Out.

2010-06-19T00:05:00.005-04:00

Today marked an end of a chapter, a chapter that was filled with lies, backstabbing and constant put-downs. It was really a great way to end this chapter, by just walking away and "peacing out". Honestly, it's not really my way of putting an end to things but this was how it should have been done a long time ago.

I can't even start on how wonderful today was. It's been a while since I've been so content with how my life is playing out. I'm not saying everything is perfect right now, there are still some minor issues I need to deal with but all in all, life is GOOD.

I guess, it's true what they say, it's the people who you surround yourself with who really makes or breaks you. Like I said in my other post, I'm a pretty private person. I don't even share a lot of my feelings with my close friends or even so, boyfriend. However, yesterday while walking back to T's house from "The Sugar". I realized how, my lifestyle has changed so much. I've always been a runner, I run and I keep myself busy - thats just how I function. Yet lately, I have really slowed down my life. That walk made me realized how important it is to just slow down and take things in day by day. I told T about all the situations that has been happening in my life and to be honest, it was this HUGE weight that was lifted off my shoulders. I guess, that's how things should work right? My burden is yours, vice versa. It's a new concept I'm trying to grasp but with time, I know I'll get the hang of sharing my feelings.

So, lately I have been hanging/talking to Joanne A LOT. I guess, in such a short time span, she really knows everything that's going on with me. My fears, my dreams, my "issues", pretty much everything. I am pretty candid with her and I am glad she is with me too. After all, friendship is a 2 way street, It's been a REALLY long time since I've found another female that really understands me and that I can be myself with. I'm just so glad after all this time, we finally sat down and got to know each other better. She's really a huge part of why I'm so content with my life right now. For so long, I've been battling my own battles on my own and now I can share my rage & happiness with someone. Thanks Wifey <3

So, enough with my rumblings. This is what went down today:
- saw 2 of my most favourite people in the world: T & Joanne. Honestly, it was brief with T but just seeing him really makes my day
- went to Queen's Park for Rainbow King & huge blown up mushrooms
- took a long amazing stroll down the core of Toronto
- finally going to the Distillery District, I'm so IN LOVE with this place. It has so much energy, perhaps it was because they were holding the wine/spirits expo or whatever it was called
- had an AMAZING dinner with Joanne @ Mill Street Brew Pub
- had another romantic walk to union station <3>
Honestly, this was the best date I've ever been on.

So what else is going on in my life?

I've been feeling more comfortable in my skin lately. I've been finishing off all my meals lately without counting the calories. I'm just so glad for the all the people thats been feeding me lately. I still have days where I'm still upset with how my body looks but I just remind myself that I am healthy and that's the most important thing!

Work is more or less okay. I wish I could just move faster up the ladder. Everything takes time right? I know for sure, I'll be off doing bigger and better things come this time next year.

July looks pretty packed, with skydiving, cottaging, roadtripping, more dinner dates with wifey... honestly, I don't know what I did in my past life but I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun

2010-06-17T01:00:00.003-04:00

please shine down on me.

So, today was an extremely long & exhausting day but it was well worth it. At first, I wasn't really excited about going to T's convocation because I worried it would stir up some mixed emotions I've been having about school. However, after talking to Joanne about it I decided to give it a shot. Although it meant waking up extremely early to get all dolled up and travelling all the way down from waterloo, every moment of it was eventful. I was SO happy I got to share this moment with T. It's such a HUGE milestone for him and I would have definitely regretted it if I missed out.

I'm SO glad that Joanne actually brought her blackberry to the ceremony. Seriously, without it I would have DIED from boredom. It wasn't as long as UofT's convo but seriously, with 2 hours of sleep, I wasn't feeling it. Afterwards, we headed out, took a million pictures, caught up with everyone and decided to go to lunch.

Lunch with the Ho family - scary, nerve-wrecking... I literally peed myself a bit. I couldn't even enjoy my food. I was just so glad that once in a while, T would squeeze my knee a bit under the table to reassure me. I just don't understand why I'm such a wreck around his family, especially his sister and dad!

Anyways, too lazy to type in full sentences so here's what went down the rest of the day:

- Grocery shopping with T, junk food GALORE

- Putting in shocks in the trunk of T's car

- Watching 24 & Community with the Ho siblings

- Going for a pizza run

- Heart to Heart with Joanne - seriously, some people need to GROW up

2010-06-15T22:02:00.003-04:00

There's a reason why I can or cannot do something,

you think I am sitting on my ass being lazy?

Doing Me.

2010-06-14T02:12:00.006-04:00

Just because I smile and play the role perfectly, doesn’t mean I’m okay.
Just because you think you’ve got me, doesn’t mean you get me.
Just because I’m trying to come clean, doesn’t mean my heart feels any lighter.

There was a moment today, while walking down Yonge, it hit me how hard it is for someone to love me. I am the most complex, multi-layered person ever. I just can't seem to accept when good things happen to me. It seems like I am consistently sabotaging myself. To be honest, I have changed a lot in the span of these last 5 years. I've grown and matured. I've learn to control my temper and extended my patience but there's still this core part of me that just can't be tamed. I guess, I never really let anyone in deep enough to see how many battle scars I've endured. I just fear, that once someone sees how damaged I really am, it will just scare them away. Any relationship, friendship or romantic, I just have this wall. Lately, I have opened myself a lot but I feel like I am just about to clam up again.

People say, that with time wounds fade and stories start becoming easier to tell. I am still on the fence about this statement. My past is what defines who I am today but why is it still lingering around long enough to control my actions? Why am I so protective of myself? Why am I letting ONE little heartbreak ruin everything? Why am I letting one backstabbing friend hold me back from trusting others?

So, with this new relationship and revisiting old friendships, I have learned to let go. While in the car today with T, I told him that the last 2 months have been drama-free. It's odd to say that out loud. For once, there weren't any "dirty laundry" to discuss, no nasty comments to endure... just no drama. Is it because, I've finally found the place where I am suppose to be?

For a period of time, I was quite the social butterfly. I could be the center of any room and any time of the day but to be honest, that wasn't me. I realized that I have surrounded myself with a lot of negative people in my life. Ones that talk about others as their only form of entertainment. Tell me, are we still in high school? I don't think so. For the past 2 months, I've slowly moved away from that "circle" of people and it's been really refreshing. Due to my private nature, I was always their favourite topic to discuss but how can they discuss me when I am nowhere to be found?

So, what kind of things have I been doing lately? I've been going to places to eat I've never tried before, attending festivals that they would never be interested in, sitting on the couch watching boys be boys, re-watching old movies, doing double dates, coffee dates, walking randomly around the city, taking pictures, taking the long way to work, catching up with coworkers, doing lunch dates, road trips to the states, reading old books, writing long emails... I have even started creative writing again... I'm doing all these things because I finally decided for myself that it's the right time to do what's right for me.

I don't need to be surrounded by a million people nor a huge circle of friends. All I need is that solid foundation that consist of HEALTHY relationships and I will be fine.

2010-06-14T00:33:00.002-04:00

It seems like every weekend just gets shorter and shorter. Where does all the time go? Actually, the real question is, what am I doing with all my time? It just seems like weeks are flying by and I am being no where as productive as I should be. Perhaps I should have taken school this summer. I feel like I should be studying for an exam for something. I sort of miss school.

I guess lately, I've been really trying to balance life, work, friends and relationships. I have this weird feeling that I'm wearing myself really thin. I need a vacation fast. I really miss Maina, I am so glad that she's coming back this week. I have so many things to tell her. It feels like I am on this emotional roller coaster ride and I just want to scream to the world everything I'm feeling.

Pouring out my soul

2010-06-10T23:30:00.002-04:00

I am a pretty private person. I'm private about every single aspect of my life. To be honest, I really think the fact that I'm so private really limits my interactions with other people. Thats the reason why my circle of friends are so LIMITED. I don't let too many people into my life.

When it comes to relationships, I become even more private. It really takes A LOT for me to open up to people. I guess trust is a really big issue for me. Today everything changed, I poured out my heart SO easily. I really wonder why?

3 Year Mark

2010-06-08T20:11:00.004-04:00

Although the weather is getting a tad chilly, I am still enjoying the sunshine. To be honest, all these weather changes are really starting to tick me off. I have to always constantly BBM my friends to ask them if it's "shorts" weather or not, I am pretty sure I am getting a tad annoying. Why can't the next 16 weeks just be a flat 30 degrees all over? Wouldn't that be so helpful?

So I had yet another weekly lunch with Gen/Ivy today at Ajisan Ramen. At first I wasn't feeling eating something soup based but after walking from North York Center station to the place, I was definitely ready for something warm. The service has gotten pretty bad since I've last been there. They forgot to bring us chopsticks so our food was pretty cold after they finally realized we were calling out for their attention. Maybe, it's just the language barrier. They also charged me $1.50 for a can of coke while clearly it stated on their lunch menu it was $0.75. I was soooo NOT impressed. So Gen/Ivy updated me with pretty much my weekly dose of Lambda drama. Seriously, when do people START growing up? I was so disappointed that my friend has to go through all this shit with his girlfriend when clearly, she doesn't even put him on her priority list.

I realized that, the 3 year mark is really the BIG test in most relationships. A lot of people around me are getting engaged or breaking up around their 3 year mark. It makes me wonder, if that a magical number? After being with someone for 3 years, is that the time where you decide if you move on or not? It's weird.

Anyways, I agree with Joanne. Starbucks is really starting to become a very expensive habit. I MUST LIMIT MYSELF!

Seriously?

2010-06-07T23:44:00.002-04:00

It seems like lately, I am just dipping my feet into the water a bit than running away.

I just feel like, sometimes I rather be alone so I don't have to deal with day to day dramas.

I really believe I dish out pretty good advice but it seems like I never even use them myself.

It's really so easy to tell someone something then actually doing it on your own. I tell people to take the leap while I am standing on the edge scared shit-less. I'm just way to guarded for my own good, I thought I was ready to lay my heart bare on the table but I just can't.

2010-06-05T02:05:00.002-04:00

It seems lately I've been pretty snappy. I don't have the patience anymore for any of the nonsense thrown my way. I guess, for so long, I've always been taught to play nice in the sand box. But, really, whats the point when people are just going to step all over you. People may say I've gotten bitchier but in reality I'm just standing up for myself. Seems like the censor tape has been removed from my lips, I'm just keeping it real now. :)

Holding my Breath

2010-06-04T00:50:00.005-04:00

Today,

raindrops danced along the concrete sidewalks

as I walked down the heart of downtown Toronto.

Everyone around me wasrunning for shelter

but I just walked at a steady pace.

Today,

I enjoyed the smell of the rain,

the way it hits my cheeks,

the sounds it makes when cars go rushing by,

and the way it transforms the city into a million shades of grey.

Today,

my heart suddenly started to beat steadily

because I realized, all this time I was just holding my breath,

so much that, I've become dizzy with exhaustion.

Today,

you proved to me, that actions do in fact speak louder than words.

I would tell you to come to walk with me

but I realized we are really meant to fly.

Let's Soar.

2010-06-02T23:17:00.001-04:00

All I have to say today is:

I'm grateful & I'm so thankful.

It's going to be a rough battle but I know, I have people to catch me.

Thank you especially to Joanne. For knocking some sense into me and for reminding me to take my OWN advice. I think it's time, us twisty & dark girls find our happiness.

It's never easy

2010-05-31T21:45:00.002-04:00

Today was a rough day. By rough, I meant I was on a verge of a huge breakdown. I do consider myself a very strong person, I usually don't care what others think and I am pretty opinionated. I live a pretty carefree life - a great job, a wonderful family and friends everyone would dream of calling their own. Today however, was different. It's been a while since I've felt this way. It was an ongoing battling with myself from start to finish today. I know I shouldn't be complaining because I have a million things to be grateful for but today, I was a wreck.

For as long as I could remember, I would always have issues with my body. Random tumor growths, internal bleeding issues, surgery after surgery by the time I hit puberty all the medical issues slowly changed into psychological issues. I know I should be happy with my body, I know so many people would love to have my body but lately I have been feeling like I am losing control of my body. I can't work out because of my knee, I can't relieve stress with jogging once again because of my knee. I know I've gained weight and I should be happy for finally reaching a healthy weight but deep inside I am just never satisfied. I hope this is all a phase, I really do because the thoughts running through my head are scaring me.

All I know is: today was a bad day and tomorrow is going to be a new day. Everything is going to be okay. Just breathe and everything is going to be okay.

With Good Company

2010-05-30T19:29:00.004-04:00

So, this summer is already turning out to be a fun filled one. The last couple of weekends have been packed & I really need to thank everyone for keeping me "occupied". Yesterday, I attended my first Doors Open with no other than my wifey Miss Joanne Wong. It was such a great experience and it made me really realize how much of Toronto I still have to explore.

Here are some of the highlights of this weekend:

- Brunch @ Le Petit Déjeuner, this place is really a GEM in Toronto and definitely worth the wait.

- The Green Men @ City Hall

- The Eglin & Winter Garden theatre - that place really tug my heart strings a bit, I wish I stayed in theatre. That building was one of the most breathtaking and incredibly beautiful building I've seen in a while.

- Up close & personal time with Joanne :) I adore her company!!

- New bird girlfriend for our bird Lucky, man she's so feisty

- Flea market shopping with my mom, oh I miss spending time with just her.

- Weekly cooking session with my little brother - yet another success :)

2010-05-29T00:47:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, your worst enemy is no one other than yourself.

The doubt and the second guessing can really eat you up.

But, know that when others can see it so loud and clear.

You are only fooling yourself with all these nonsense.

Sometimes, when things finally go your way.

You just don't know how to handle it.

2010-05-28T13:56:00.001-04:00

Why is it, that my heart can change so fast?

Leap off, I promise I'll hold your hand

2010-05-22T20:10:00.002-04:00

Joanne's blog got me thinking:

There comes a point in our lives when we hit a fork in the road and when we reach this destination we will have to choose. One path will lead you into believing that love still exists while the other takes you to a very dark place. I guess, I have always been optimistic about love and relationships regardless of how any times I got burnt. While others think that it’s stupid of me to continuously believing in love, I just think they are just scared of the potential an open heart could bring. To be honest, when it comes to relationships, I’ve been through hell and back. I have fallen in love, out of love, I have been emotional and physical abused, I have settled, I have pretty much experienced everything in the book so sometimes I wonder, why is that I am not so jaded yet?

There was a point in my life that I truly believed that love didn’t exist, even more so, I believed that the happiness that stems from a healthy relationship was just a myth. However, during this “dark” time, I realized that, you shouldn’t depend on your significant other for happiness because you should be at peace with yourself before you would commit completely. I am not saying that I am not damaged because I am probably the most damaged item on the shelf but I did however took the time to really fix myself up. I’m not saying that I am in perfect condition right now. There’s no doubt that I still have issues with trust and self-esteem but it’s a personal battle that I must deal with myself and ONLY myself.

There’s no correct path that we should follow when it comes to relationships or love. Everyone has their own pace and their own way to figure out things however, I guess what I am trying to say is – it’s ok to go to a dark place. It’s okay to be jaded/cynical about love and relationships because during this time, it’s the best time to reflect. When the real things happens, you will have a better understanding and appreciation of all the effort and time it takes to build a relationship with another person.

I’m sure everyone will experience a “dark stage” in their lifetime one way or another, it’s just a fact of life. It doesn’t matter how long you stay in this stage but the only advice I would have is – don’t be blind and look away when a good thing is happening to you. Embrace the change and take that risk. I am a strong believer in “the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward” philosophy but I know, the hardest part is building up the courage to take the leap.

Update!

2010-05-22T15:14:00.005-04:00

This week has been absolutely amazing. It was pretty jammed packed with events, dinner dates, & random outings. What I said before about keeping busy in order to keep sane was definitely in effect. So here's the run through of this week's events:

Monday: Maina's bon voyage dinner @ Pho Nho with the gang. I realized the tension in our circle of friends are resurfacing again. It's odd that we often just break up into smaller groups for discussion but the fine line between friendship and just mere acquaintances is really blurry now. Sometimes, I think that we have nothing in common so why am I wasting my time with these people? I don't know.

Tuesday: I went over to Maina's place to help her pack + clean up her room a bit. I'm going to miss her so much, she's like my "go-to" person. *sigh, it's going to be a tad lonely without her around

Wednesday: I had the most wonderful time with Joanne at Guu that night. Great food + company, that's all I really want.

Thursday: Alicia's fashion show (that I missed because I was in the freaking women's clinic for a good 2 hours).. had the biggest scare of my life but it's good nothing bad happened.

Friday: Future with Tyrone.. he's like a kindred spirit, it's amazing. It was great to have a lazy day at Christie Pits & to spend more time with Jo @ Go for Tea. :)

One more week to go.

2010-05-19T23:58:00.001-04:00

Today was an absolutely wonderful day.

Will write more tomorrow when I am less tired.

See - I fail at blogging daily

Pack it all away.

2010-05-16T19:40:00.003-04:00

Today was my official move in day and to be honest I'm an emotional wreck right now. I am angry, annoyed, sad, excited....the list of emotions are pretty much endless right now. Everything is finally unpacked and sorted out after 8+ hours. I'm exhausted but pleased with how efficient my sister and I was at unpacking everything. A whole bunch of things were running through my head today.

I'm so angry at my dad right now. Sometimes I really feel like he treats me different because he's my step father. He said a couple of things to me today that really hit me really hard. I understand that everyone was pretty strung up today due to lack of sleep and the hustle and bustle of the day but it doesn't give him the right to say the things he said. I am not going to lie, he's a good father and he raised me up well for the past 16 years of my life. However, there's always the question, how does he see me? Is blood really thicker than water? There's always moments of doubt.

On another note, with the weather picking up, I am looking forward to many amazing outings. With my best friend and boyfriend out of the country, it's going to be an interesting 2 weeks. I already miss Thomas terribly and I think everyone around me can sense it. The first 2 weeks, I was holding up my own but with the move and all, I am crumbling away. These phone calls aren't even doing him justice anymore. I can't even believe that I am complaining about this right now. What has he done to me?

Seriously, I need to stay busy in order to stay sane.

...when I said it, I really meant it

2010-05-09T01:14:00.002-04:00

So, when I said 2010 was going to be a changing year, this time I really meant it.
I am currently sitting in my kitchen at 1am in the morning watching my brother cook.

I am not really sure if he even knows what he's going but watching him do something that he has such a passion for makes me really happy. So there he is cooking some duck dish and flirting on the phone with some girl - typical Sunny, combining the 2 things he loves the most: food and girls. So, the weather hasn't been the greatest for the last couple of days but I don't really mind. I know it no time, the sun will come out and there will be bbqs going and beach parties to attend. So, why am I writing a blog post today? Well, I think it's really time for me to get the ball rolling. What I need to do now is - finish school. Last year I attended school part-time, mainly because I wasn't really "feeling it", to be honest I have fallen out of love with learning. I hate school, I hate my campus, I hate working on essays but I now realize that, in order to do anything in life I must get this out of the way. So, let's finish this stupid degree first and I am probably going to attend George Brown to complete the social work program there.

Um, so when I say big things are coming my way, I am NOT lying.

- Montreal in July

- Rome/Athens in September - travelling alone for the first time, I am really gonna take this time to reflect on my life.

- finally enrolling myself in that wedding planning/event planning course

My brother just finished his dish and omg, I gotta say he's one talented 16 year old.

Girls' Night

2010-05-08T16:55:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was quite interesting. Never again will I drink, too many things come out.

It was so nice to see all the girls again. :) I've missed them.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system - it's time to focus!

Must stay busy, in order to stay insane

I must know my boundaries

Old Wounds

2010-05-02T21:35:00.001-04:00

"What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."

I am not going to let the past, get the best of me.

Long Distance

2010-05-02T00:52:00.003-04:00

So, with him leaving for a month.

My question is, does distance make the heart grow fonder or is it out of sight, out of mind?

It will be quite the interesting month.

Mamma Mia, here we go again

2010-04-30T00:52:00.004-04:00

Today was an amazing day. Finally took Thomas to his first EVER live theater show and to see that look on his face while the show was going on was truly priceless. There are days, I can't believe how LUCKY I am that we found each other. The more I see him, the better things get and I really hope these feelings NEVER go away.

So today, for the first time ever in my 6 years of blogging I decided to place my blog on private. I realized that, some people read my blogs for all the wrong reasons. I got a msg from the ex today and it read "I hope the rumours arent true and that you aren't going to all these wonderful places" WTF? So what if I am?! What is that to him? It totally ruined my day.. COMPLETELY. So for those reading this blog right now, consider yourself VERY lucky =)

Anyways, on another note - I donated blood today! Which means in 3-4 weeks I get to find out if I am 0- or 0+!! Sleep time for me!

The Truth

2010-04-28T22:09:00.002-04:00

"Cause he is the truth

Said he is so real

And I love the way that he makes me feel

And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly cause

his light it shines so bright I wouldn't lie"

The Truth - India Arie

So, it's been a while since I've written. Things are really looking good on my end. My family finally found a place to stay. As of May 15th, we will no longer living in this house. Honestly, I am pretty bummed out because this house holds a lot of memories for my family but I know we are moving on to bigger and better things. The future is looking good!

The last couple of days have been absolutely amazing. I've been catching up with so many people that I haven't talked to in ages. It makes me wonder, for the last couple of months what the hell was I even doing? So here's a recap of the last couple of days:

24rd - Had my first Johnny's burger & headed down to Waterloo to help Thomas pack

25th - Move out day for Thomas, I got pretty emo and I wasn't even the one that was moving!

26th - Grandma comes back from Vietnam with lots of goodies =)

27th - PDF File - Royal Ontario Museum

Today - I had the most wonderful brunch/lunch with Miss. Joanne Wong. It was so amazing to catch up with her. We both realized that we are living parallel lives. It's pretty amazing how much we changed in the span of 5 years. Definitely lunches with her must turn into a tradition! Had the most amazing dinner in Little India with Thomas today - even though it took us a little over 45 mins to find the place even with a GPS, it was REALLY worth it. It's already such a great start to an amazing summer.

Sabotage

2010-04-25T22:48:00.002-04:00

It's at a point where, I am feeling quite uneasy.

What happens when everything you asked for, is right in front you?

Why am I trying to find flaws?

Breathe, go with the flow.

Reality Hits, Hard

2010-04-23T02:57:00.001-04:00

Hate me all you want.

I GET IT.

I am not blaming you for feeling this way.

Take your time & think.

Really, Really THINK.

Half of my Heart

2010-04-22T01:30:00.001-04:00

"Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been

Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing

Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring"

- Half of my Heart; John Mayer

---

One Step at a time,

this time, I won't trip on my own two feet.

2010-04-19T22:43:00.001-04:00

All I want right now is:

- to cuddle

- pumpkin soup

- for may to not exist.

someone, make it happen.

FEELING LIKE CRAP

Thank Me.

2010-04-18T23:13:00.005-04:00

Its interesting how people can walk in and out of your life so fast. Your first love becomes a distance memory and the friends you considered your best friends become strangers. I consider myself pretty lucky to have surrounded myself with the same group of friends for the past 10 years. This weekend, we had a wonderful dinner and reflected on the past couple of years. All I did was sit there and soaked it all in. We may be at different stages in our life right now but there are still some things that haven't changed at all. I asked the question: where will we be in 5 years? To be honest, it doesn't matter because I know that in 5 years, we will still be laughing together. Lately, life has been really good. I've been taking really good care of myself. Usually I am so dependent on others for happiness but for the last 2 months, I've grown quite a bit. I realized there's bigger things to chase after and if things are meant to be than so be it. I guess I took this time for myself to reconnect with people I want to have beside me forever.

Sometimes, there are people you meet out there that you just CLICK with. Regardless of the time span of your conversations or what-nots, it seems like everything just fits perfectly. For the past 5 years, my life pretty much revolved around relationships. I worked hard at being a good girlfriend and not so much at being a great friend. I guess, there is a change in tide now.

Life is pretty much a balancing act - friends, relationships, family, school and work. It gets a bit overwhelming at times. Sometimes, I cut corners and forget to give each category the same amount of time and effort. However, lately it seems like I am getting a little better even since I started living with the mentality that I should not settle. I am staying true to who I am for once.

The last couple of weeks have been remarkable. I have been eating and sleeping better. There's a spring in my step and oddly, there is always a smile on my face. I can't really remember the last time I was so at peace with myself.

Usually, I would thank a certain person for all my happiness but really, I have no one else to thank but myself. I opened myself up, took risks, made my own decisions, decided my own path. So, I deserve all of this. I worked hard for this. I am not going to sabotage my own happiness any longer. I am doing ME and it's working better than I ever thought.

-----

I can't wait for summer.

We are going to do it up BIG.

-----

Thanks Joanne & Maina - for moments of doubt, you smacked some sense into me.

Best I Ever Had

2010-04-18T04:15:00.002-04:00

Everyday, it just keeps on getting better.

---

We can do it real big, bigger than you ever done it.

Taking Risks

2010-04-13T12:27:00.003-04:00

It seems like in the midst of all the chaos, all the questioning about life and all the realizations, we are all coming out of it better people. Perhaps we don't have all the answers yet but it seems like we are not longer settling and finally we are learning to put ourselves first.

It hit me yesterday, that if we don't big risks in life and love, we will never see things in their full potential. So WHY settle, WHY hold back? Even if things don't go your way or your heart gets broken at least you know you tried.

I think I finally found a balance. Honestly, thats all I'm asking for.

Investments

2010-04-07T01:52:00.003-04:00

"They say the bigger your investment, the bigger your return. But you have to be willing to take a chance. You have to understand, you might lose it all. But if you take that chance, if you invest wisely the pay off might just surprise you." - Grey's Anatomy

Lately, I have been feeling antsy, really really antsy. The last couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy. Things have not been going on my way for a really long time. To be honest, I was pretty unhappy with my life choices. I remember I would spent hours analyzing my life, making flow-charts to depict my next moves. Honestly, what was I running towards? Why was I in such a rush?

Finally, one day I decided to drop everything and turn over a new leaf. Suddenly, with a blink of an eye everything changed. All it took was 2 weeks for my life to be filled with colour. Today, it hit me that a lot of things shouldn't be planned or analyzed. Some things should just be left to run on it's own course. So, this time I'm not going to push for anything, there will be no expectations nor will I analyzed my every move. All I know is that, I've never been this happy for a really long time and that's enough satisfaction I need. I'm just going to go with the flow.

It's all about timing.

2010-04-01T14:13:00.002-04:00

All it took was one week.

One week for my world is be flipped upside down.

& never has it felt better.

Thoughts

2010-03-29T14:43:00.003-04:00

We dance round in a ring and suppose,

but the secret sits in the middle and knows. - Frost

------

Thing are going my way for once.

That fire has been ignited in me.

I'm finally okay with being on my own.

I am finally realizing my own dreams and chasing after them.

I KNOW what I want now, shouldn't you be happy for me?

I am living on my own terms and at my own pace.

Things are good. Very Good.

& at the end of the night,

I realized that I may not be the person

I used to be when I was with you

but I really am happy and I do hope you understand.

Seriously

2010-03-28T15:39:00.001-04:00

I'm Speechless

A Good Place to Be

2010-03-27T20:33:00.004-04:00

Lately I haven't really be inspired to write a good blog post. Ive just been really busy with work & school. Actually more work than anything. March Madness @ St. Albans' was literally chaos in disguised as little cute kids. Although I worked 40+ exhausting hours that week, it was a really great opportunity to get closer to my St. Albans' family. It's pretty wild how we all come from such different walks of life but when we are together - we make an unstoppable force. I realized now, St. Albans' is really like a huge family. Yes, we have some dysfunctional members but at the end of the day when all the kids leave, we can just sit back and relax and VENT. It's hard to explain my job to others without people naturally assuming that I'm just a "babysitter" but these people that work with me REALLY REALLY understand what I go through day in and day out. Just by saying "Rouzman/Truzbah", they understand the daily struggles I go through. I guess what I am trying is say is, this place is now my new home - never have I felt such passionate ignite in me. This job truly feels rewarding.

On another note,

It seems the older we get, it's harder for just a girl and boy to be JUST friends. Why is that? Is there too many expectations or is it that the line between friendship & intimate relationship too blurry? Being single is a tad confusing to me. Anyways enough rumbling, the whole post was actually suppose to be about how happy I've been the last couple of days =)

pdf files FTW

*sigh

2010-03-26T14:05:00.002-04:00

WHEN IS THE WEATHER GONNA GET BETTER?!

I'm about to turn 23 soon and I really feel like this is gonna be a life changing year.

I'm no longer settling & it's so funny how everything is falling into place.

=)

2010-03-25T13:46:00.002-04:00

I don't know if it's all the morphine or the fact things are picking up at work but I just can't stop smiling.

Can't wait for my night with my ladies =)
For the weather is get better,

& for many many many other things.

Breathe

2010-03-23T03:15:00.004-04:00

Take a step back & then perhaps everything will become clearer.

Lately, things have been very complicated and honestly I have been having a really tough time adjusting. Right now, I don't have time to take a step back because once I do, the "big" picture will pretty much flood me out. So, I am gonna run full steam again and if I want something - nothing is going to stop me.

Outside Looking In

2010-03-08T01:15:00.002-05:00

"Crazy how the words fall into place

To say exactly the wrong thing, again again again

Truth is, I'm a danger to myself

Unless the goal is the fastest way to hell"

- Ghost ; Todd Kuffner

These days are just flying by and it's quite remarkable how with a blink of an eye so many things have changed. People grow, people move on and people leave. However, I feel like I am standing still. The whole world is running full speed ahead but it seems like my feet are glued in one place. Just lately, it feels like I need to change... I need something to lift me off my feet and change my course.

I guess there's no use sitting around waiting for that change. I need to go out and chase after it.

Just like Yesterday

2010-03-01T02:29:00.003-05:00

I really deserved this weekend. I feel like I've been running on this treadmill for so long and now I finally, finally stepped off it for a second. Wonderful weekend shared with the more hilarious people ever. Sad to say, but it's may of been our last "loo" weekend ever!

Sometimes, in the simple moments, it feels like time stood still and I smile and wonder, will it be like this always?

Highlights:

Linda: "Mark, how much do I owe you for the show? 20 or 25? Here's a 20"
Mark: "There's so such thing as a $25 dollar bill Linda"

Han: "One day, Russia, Cuba & China will reunite and become brothers and I am going to make that happen"

Han: "My dream girl is like a Ferrari"

Linda: "Am I your dream girl Han Shu?"

Han: " You are more like a BMW"

Han: "Got to be a gentlemen start to finish, can't half ass to my BMW"

Jewel: "You spread those legs Mark"

Mark: "She won't be able to handle it because I'll destroy her"

Live. Laugh. Love

2010-02-25T02:34:00.002-05:00

I'm learning to laugh genuinely again. For such a long time, I've been so scared to let people in. Perhaps fearing they will get to know the real me. However, lately I've been surrounding myself with people that make me feel secure about myself. It's funny where you can find friendship.

Lately

2010-02-12T22:24:00.002-05:00

Silence is the true friend that never betrays. - Confucius
For once, I have ran out of words to say. All this time, I thought I got my world figured out and with a single snap of my fingers everything changed. I thought I was jaded but now, I don't even think there's a word in the English dictionary that truly describe how I feel.
These words I write here are for myself. It's for healing, for self discovery, it's a safe place for me to express my feelings. Never in a million years would I think someone could dissect my words and piece them together to their own liking.
This is what I get for posting my feelings, my thoughts to the world right?
Do I deserve what has been thrown in my face? Honestly, I don't think so.
Am I being overly dramatic and irrational?
I don't think so either.
There are days I am not proud of myself. There are also days that my actions are extremely contradicting but that doesn't mean I should be viewed under a microscope. I'm human and the person that's only worthy of judging me is myself.

sometimes

2010-02-12T01:13:00.001-05:00

back to square one. I wonder if I can make something of myself one day. Right now, I have a lot of things I need to learn about myself.

In Pursuit of Happiness

2010-02-05T04:00:00.004-05:00

I've been raised a giver. For the majority of my life, all I knew to do was give, share and provide. There's nothing wrong with being a giver but lately, I've been starting to see the side effects of it. I'm at a point in my life where I should be sure of my dreams but all I really feel is lost. It feels like, I've given the rest of the world bits and pieces of me and because of this I've failed to take care of myself.

When I love, I love with all my heart. When I support, I'll move mountains if I have to. However, it's time to find my own happiness. So there's one final question I have lingering in the back of my mind: How far would you go to pursue your own happiness? Is it possible to not step on anyone's toes?

Expectations

2010-01-29T03:19:00.006-05:00

Seems like I have been taking a hiatus from blogging but for the past couple of weeks a lot of things happened. With these changes, it seems like everything is coming out the other end better. I had to do a lot of reflecting and asking myself what I really wanted in life. I told myself countless times that I should never ever settle ever again. I have been searching for something grand, something great and life changing but then it felt like lightning struck me. Perhaps, I shouldn't be out searching for something grand, perhaps I should make myself the person that I always wanted in others. Sometimes, it seems like I have such high expectations of people and when these expectations are not met, I consider them not worthy of my time. However, I look at myself in the mirror and realized that I have been hypocritical because I can't even reach my own expectations.

I never ever considered myself perfect because I am far from. Yet, it seems like I always sabotage certain relationships. I shouldn't always look at the negative side of people because lately, I have been screwing up a lot.

What I am trying is say is that, everyone has certain expectations of how a friend should act or how a lover should behave. But, instead of being disappointed, perhaps we should really look at ourselves in the mirror and think - do we measure up to their expectations too? Probably not. So, with this lesson learnt, I am going to learn to see the greatness in myself instead of searching for it in others. Perhaps then, without asking, greatness will find me.

Positive Thinking

2010-01-24T01:16:00.001-05:00

Regardless of anyone or anything, I will still remain positive.

I am so sick of your bullshit, I am done trying to be in YOUR good graces. You are always negative and I don't need that shit.

Manic Mode

2010-01-20T20:23:00.001-05:00

The ball is finally rolling, I have to reorganize my life.

2010 is a life changing year,

it will only be life changing if I actually get off my ass and DO SOMETHING.

My mind is racing 200km/hr, so many ideas!!!

Rest in Peace

2010-01-10T22:47:00.001-05:00

to my little ball of love.

I hope there's a hamster heaven.

I love you Miso.

2010-01-05T03:37:00.000-05:00

"I'm selfish, impatient and sometimes a little insecure.

I make mistakes, I am out of control, and sometimes hard to handle.

But, if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

-Marilyn Monroe

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

2010-01-01T23:00:00.009-05:00

2009 was a tough year.

Looking back to all the obstacles I've overcome this past year was remarkable. How did I come out of that battlefield alive? To be honest, I'm so thankful to my friends for everything. This year was an eye-opener. I used to be a lone wolf, I lived in this "us" world whenever I was in a relationship. I took my friends for granted but this year, I learnt a very valuable lesson - when I was on the floor crying, the only ones that would pick you up won't be the person you though you depended on. My heart was broken beyond repair this year but I managed to put it back together with my own hands. Regardless of all the negative things that happened this year, some amazing things happened.

I hope you find happiness in her and I wish you the best of luck in your marriage. I am glad we went our separate ways, although we had good times together I realize that I'm having the best time in my life right now.

To the nights, I would call you in tears you still sat there listening to my irrational ways. Thanks for being my rock, my foundation and of course my best friend. To the rest of the girls - no fear, the old Linda will be back in no time.

You surprised me. After almost 3 years, I never thought I would ever find friendship in you. I really think regardless of the time we shared apart, you would always get me and I would always get you. Good luck with everything. I got your back.

and of course

To you, thank you for being patient. Thank you for bring so much light into my life when I felt that only darkness fell on me. Thanks for letting me be broken and giving me time to fix myself. However, the most important thing you've done for me, was bring happiness into my life. Thank you for bring Lychee into my life.

So, come and get me 2010, I am ready for you.

Oh.

New Years Resolutions:

- do more charity work

- be more positive

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T19:27:00.001-05:00

It's the most wonderful time of the yearrrrrrr =)

How Far, How Long

2009-12-23T02:04:00.003-05:00

" Tell it what it is, tell me what you want to see

& I'll try to be it, I'll try to be that thing.

Tell it what it is, tell me what you want to hear

& I'll try to say it"

- How Far & How Long; Alyssa Bernal & Todd Kuffner

Everyday feels like a new obstacle is thrown into the mix. Mistakes are made everyday but forgiveness is key. Communication, mutual respect and patience is so important. I always wonder how far and how long I have to go to find that happiness, it doesn't matter anymore. All I know is, to get what I want - I need to work hard at it.

2009-12-19T03:56:00.001-05:00

Here we go again.

It never gets old does it?

With a blink of an eye

2009-12-10T03:13:00.000-05:00

You said Hello to pride.

I can't wait until I hate you.

That Light

2009-11-30T22:27:00.000-05:00

"Hold up, hold on, don't be scared,

You'll never change what's been and gone.

May your smile, Shine on,

Don't be scared,

Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cause all of the stars have faded away,

Just try not to worry,

You'll see them some day.

Take what you need,

And be on your way,

And stop crying your heart out."

-Stop Crying Your Heart Out; Leona Lewis

I woke up today sluggish. I have been under the weather for a while. I still woke up and continued my day. Today however felt different, I felt truly happy. It seem like there was a little hop in my step. I had an amazing day with my kiddies today, I finally had a major breakthrough with Truman.

Just take it a step at a time and in no time you will be running again.

Two is better than One

2009-11-24T02:15:00.000-05:00

"There's so much time

To figure out the rest of my life

And you thought that it got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two is better than one"

Two is Better Than One - Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift

It's been a good couple of weeks. I am slowly getting the hang of things. So many things have changed in the past year. I used to live a life of comfort, being out of this element has been a hard roller coaster. I have learned this the hard way. In a blink of an eye, everything can change. For sometime now, it feels like I've been struggling - struggling with this huge burden. I used to be able to handle the weight of everything. However, I guess it's time to load all this baggage.

This life of mine, its like a long train ride. I watch behind a glass window at the world around me. For each stop, a chapter ends while another starts. I pick up new things to add to my railroad car. Sometimes I forget things at stations. But, no matter what happens, this train only goes one way. I can't turn back search of things I've left behind. It's a bit scary going into life not knowing where the train leads but it's part of the excitement of it. I've been pushing myself for so long now, I am getting tired and my railroad car is getting stuffy and full. I really think it's time for me to clear this car out at the next station. Instead of packing my car full of old memories, I think it's time to fill it with people. Emotionally I've been alone for so long, burying myself with this burden. I've been on this train for too long alone that I've lost sense of everything.

I'm ready.

It's doesn't matter where this train is heading.

For once I am thankful, this is a one way trip.

Road Block

2009-11-16T03:15:00.000-05:00

Who am I?

How would I describe myself?

What makes me, me?

What is my personality like?

It seems like every year I have this revelation, I hit some type of stage of enlightenment to who I am and why I stand for the things I do. However, every single year I look back and I am shocked and amazed at my former self. I am shocked at the mistakes I've made, the steps I've taken and why I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. Instead of figuring out who I am, I look to those close to me to define who I am. How am I portrayed in their eyes. How does the world see me. How is my identity reflective of all the achievements I've made thus far? I am a good person. I have my head on right. I am perfect the way I am - flaws and all. This is what I have to accept.

Every year, I hit a roadblock. During these moments, I feel inadequate and stuck. I admit I get over-dramatic sometimes and I usually declare that my world is coming to an end but so what? My roadblock this year is the same as all the years prior - what's next? What is my next move? What are my future plans? So, my new thing is:

breathe

let it go

move on

push forward

& stop planning.

If things are meant to happen - it will. I am destined to be someone. I just need it to COME to ME instead of running around like a headless chicken.

Missing

2009-11-15T21:41:00.000-05:00

I miss working at GM.

I miss the guys.

I miss the paychecks.

I miss everything about it - even their pervy ways, even Barb.

Never Knew I Needed

2009-10-31T04:03:00.000-04:00

for the way you changed my plans
for being the perfect distraction
for the way you took the idea that i have
of everything that i wanted to have
and made me see there was something missing

for the ending of my first begin
and for the rare and unexpected friend
for the way you're something that i never choose
but at the same time something i don't wanna lose
and never wanna be without ever again

you're the best thing I never knew I needed
so when you were here I had no idea
- Never Knew I needed; Neyo

Lately, I've been doing good. Really good actually. I never thought I would reach this place. It feels like I've found home. A lot of people tell me it seems I am always trying to sabotage my own happiness but I think those days are gone. I think I've grown up dramatically over the last couple of months. Everything in my life has changed and ALL for the best. I never thought I would enter this chapter of my life. I never thought I had the potential to be who I am today. I guess, this 'new' me needed sometime alone by herself to figure out thing. I used to have all these plans - my 5 years, 10 years, 15 years plan is now completely out of the window.

Life is funny isn't it, when you aren't expecting it everything falls apart and when you aren't focused on all your troubles everything mends itself again.

Honestly, it's a bit odd to say, all this happiness really stems from Lychee. Whenever I am having a bad day I would just look at her face and I know everything will be okay. She doesn't require much, I know I don't need to buy her all those toys, a plastic lid would do. All she needs is love and it's so refreshing. Sometimes it's so exhausting when people place such high expectations on you. She doesn't see your flaws and faults, she doesn't judge nor probe, she doesn't require explanations. She's just a bundle of love and joy.

Thank you for giving me this new 'family'.

Bobby Nguyen, you surprise me everyday.

You are someone I never knew I needed.

Please

2009-10-21T23:59:00.001-04:00

Don't Forget.