Just because I smile and play the role perfectly, doesn’t mean I’m okay.
Just because you think you’ve got me, doesn’t mean you get me.
Just because I’m trying to come clean, doesn’t mean my heart feels any lighter.

There was a moment today, while walking down Yonge, it hit me how hard it is for someone to love me. I am the most complex, multi-layered person ever. I just can't seem to accept when good things happen to me. It seems like I am consistently sabotaging myself. To be honest, I have changed a lot in the span of these last 5 years. I've grown and matured. I've learn to control my temper and extended my patience but there's still this core part of me that just can't be tamed. I guess, I never really let anyone in deep enough to see how many battle scars I've endured. I just fear, that once someone sees how damaged I really am, it will just scare them away. Any relationship, friendship or romantic, I just have this wall. Lately, I have opened myself a lot but I feel like I am just about to clam up again.

People say, that with time wounds fade and stories start becoming easier to tell. I am still on the fence about this statement. My past is what defines who I am today but why is it still lingering around long enough to control my actions? Why am I so protective of myself? Why am I letting ONE little heartbreak ruin everything? Why am I letting one backstabbing friend hold me back from trusting others?

So, with this new relationship and revisiting old friendships, I have learned to let go. While in the car today with T, I told him that the last 2 months have been drama-free. It's odd to say that out loud. For once, there weren't any "dirty laundry" to discuss, no nasty comments to endure... just no drama. Is it because, I've finally found the place where I am suppose to be?

For a period of time, I was quite the social butterfly. I could be the center of any room and any time of the day but to be honest, that wasn't me. I realized that I have surrounded myself with a lot of negative people in my life. Ones that talk about others as their only form of entertainment. Tell me, are we still in high school? I don't think so. For the past 2 months, I've slowly moved away from that "circle" of people and it's been really refreshing. Due to my private nature, I was always their favourite topic to discuss but how can they discuss me when I am nowhere to be found?

So, what kind of things have I been doing lately? I've been going to places to eat I've never tried before, attending festivals that they would never be interested in, sitting on the couch watching boys be boys, re-watching old movies, doing double dates, coffee dates, walking randomly around the city, taking pictures, taking the long way to work, catching up with coworkers, doing lunch dates, road trips to the states, reading old books, writing long emails... I have even started creative writing again... I'm doing all these things because I finally decided for myself that it's the right time to do what's right for me.

I don't need to be surrounded by a million people nor a huge circle of friends. All I need is that solid foundation that consist of HEALTHY relationships and I will be fine.