Tuesday, September 29, 2009 __ *Positively Me.
After being a complete idiot and drinking that cup of coffee today after a couple months of detoxing myself, I can't sleep. I decided to go through all my old xanga/blogger entries. I started blogging when I was around my sister's age. It was a great outlet for me to release any pent up anger and frustration. During that time, I had a lot of difficulties with my coming of age. I wasn't really sure of my own identity. I didn't want to just confine in the norms, I wanted to become a unique individual. I'm quite proud of who I am today. I really believe that my set of morals and beliefs are strung up pretty high sometimes. I may not be the girl my friend calls out to clubbing or drinking. I actually hardly ever drink, I just hate how it feels to lose control of myself. I think I am the type of person that needs to be control of everything. Even with this attitude, I am FAR from being a perfect person. For the past 5 years, I realized I've always been in a relationship. Perhaps, I am scared to be alone. I honestly think I can be alone if I choose to but I rather be in a companion of someone. I like to keep the same people/person in my life consistently. Regardless of how the world changes everyday, I know at least I can control myself and who I surround myself with. I am the true definition of "homegirl". I love being home then anywhere else in the world. Those close to me know that my mom could be quite a handful but regardless of her crazy Godzilla moments, I think my relationship with her is a working one. She just doesn't know how to "let out" yet. When it comes to siblings, I think I have one of the best relationships with my sister and brother. We may not see eye to eye everyday but honestly, once in a while we gather all up in my room and update each other with what's going on our life. I have cried in my brother's arm after a heartbreak and being the 16 year old he is, he said "I'll kick his ass, don't worry he's not worth it". I've broken down infront of my sister more times than I could remember. There are moments I don't want them to see me this way - weak but it's a learning process. They see me as this scary bitch sometimes but moments like this, they see me as a vulnerable human being.
As a girlfriend, I could be the best/worst/craziest girlfriend anyone could have. I think craziness runs in the family actually. Even after all these years, I am completely and ridiculously unreasonable. Honestly, I don't know how these guys could deal with me. Even after 5 years, I still pick fights when I am bored. I really think they are funny, am I twisted or what!? Regardless of the weekly doses of crazy, I always go out of my way to make someone happy. I remember the first serious relationship I had, I was literally a nut-case. I was SO in love, I didn't even realize how crazy I was. Relationship after relationship, I realized that the one most important thing I've learn was - never go to sleep angry and of course, COMMUNICATION is the key. Honestly, I am still a working progress.